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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Mother May I?

Happy New Year!

I was thinking that since it's a new year, it's time to add a new topic to my blog: Mothering. Yup. I'm ready to share some of life's most embarrassing, and heartwarming moments with the world.

This specific moment happened about a year ago, but it was something I thought so memorable that I needed to write it down that very day. I hope you enjoy it much more than I did...originally.

Yes, this is a true story. 
And I am sure there will be sequels, more than I can imagine.
It all started with a headache.  No, scratch that, it started because I am a mother now, only mothers get to have this much fun in one action packed morning.  So this morning my almost 15 month old son wakes up about an hour and a half early, and he's screaming.  The only problem is that I have a splitting headache and had a horrible night's sleep.  So, I get up, I take care of my baby and then I climb back into bed with two of my dogs for 'just a few more minutes'--okay an hour--I fell asleep.  

So there I lay with my two dogs flanking me, and the giggles of my son in the next room as he uses his bed for a trampoline.  It is going to be a great day, I can just tell.  Taking my time getting up, I tell my dogs how great they are and scratch their ears and tummies, and I fawn over my 'middle' dog telling him he was in my dream and he listened to everything I said and he's such and angel.  My puppy interrupts the story as he stretches and stands up, but suddenly starts to pee!  On my bed!  In front of me!  

My disbelieving eyes stare at him for the first few seconds, then I'm yelling 'No!  No!' and pushing him off the bed as I rip up the covers to stop the spread of the vile liquid into my mattress.  Thankfully I am able to corral the dog into the crate--but not before he makes a mad dash to the back door telling me he's got to go out--ya think!?  Now I get the soapy water and blot the pee out of my mattress and clean the trickles off the floor, and as I go to strip the rest of the sheets from the bed I set my knee squarely in the two inch by two inch square of soapy liquid--what are the odds?

But my son, he's been playing in his crib now for an hour now and he's got be bored, and I am sure all of his toys are on the floor, so I figure I'll just go in there real quick and put him in his room to play while I take the dogs out.  Oh, his toys are on the floor all right.  And his pants.  And his poopy diaper sans some of the decorative excrement that he has smeared all over his pillow and bedsheets.  Seriously?  

So as I am cleaning up my kid, my puppy still waiting to pee, my bedsheets still balled up on my bed waiting to get cleaned, I call my husband to let him know what happened, and he informs me that the puppy did not pee when he took him out early this morning--really?  

So I get to the part about my son and how he will be wearing those shirts that button at the crotch for the next twenty years until he can learn to keep his pants on, and tell my husband that if he has had a crappier morning than me, I don't believe him.  I can hear that he's trying not to laugh--good man--and he admits that my morning has been crappier by far.  

Thinking I am now clear to take my dogs out, I leave the poop in my son's bed, the urinated on covers still sitting on mine and take the poor dog out, cause you know, he's got to go!
They go out, they pee, and I make a big deal about telling the pup how good he is cause, after all I DID yell at him for peeing earlier.  And I feel better, he is a good boy, he just had to pee, and--well let's not go back there.  

So we are going in and he smells something, and I call him and he comes, but he's got the something in his mouth--wanna guess?  It's a dead mouse.  Yes dead.  Yes, in his mouth!  Will he drop it--no.  I am dangling chicken in front of his face, but dead mouse is better.  So I have to actually pull gross mouse out of my dog's mouth!  

So now, I get everyone inside, gross hands, poopy child's room, pee all over my bed, and my day has just started.  After I get my hands washed, I try once again to put my priorities in order, but you would think that I would have learned by now that no matter what I try to do to get things running smoothly again, something is going to change that plan, just look at the laundry list I've already got trailing behind me! 

So I get my kid some cheerios, his face lights up at the sight of the big yellow box and he squeals in delight.  I shake my head as I take the disinfectant to my child's bedroom to wage war against some poop.  I've lost a dog.  My angelic one.  The middle dog, the one that does no wrong.  I stand at the top of the basement stairs calling him, now yelling for him, now screaming his name and no dog!  Mad, (yes, now I'm mad--at the angelic dog) I slam the door thinking, 'great, now when you get that soggy bedding in your hands and have to pry this door open, you're gonna be happy, huh?'  

But wait, there he is, the poor guy got locked behind a baby gate and is waiting for me to find him.  He is an angel after all!  But where was he?  I take down the gate and he comes racing out followed by his muddy paw prints on my cream colored, just steam cleaned carpet!  Oh they lead right back to the tub (because my angel got in the tub.  Why?  Because his paws were dirty!) well now they're dirty and WET!  

So I tell him to get back into the tub, I clean his paws, and now I'm using the disinfectant to clean the mud off my carpet and floor, and as I sit there, one knee soaked in muddy water now and one knee soaked from accidentally blotting soapy pee out of my mattress, and I'm cleaning the muddy bathtub while painted poop and a bundle of pee still wait for me in the bedrooms.

So after my bedsheets are finally in the wash and the line out the door of other soiled linens is behind them waiting for their turn, and my stomach is now rumbling because I missed breakfast (again).  I remember the excitement that my son elicited when he saw the yellow box of cheerios awaiting him and I count my blessings.  

God sure has blessed me.  No, that wasn't sarcastic.  I look at my little family, my beautiful and obviously creative son who is learning to undress himself, my angelic dog, my Tasmanian devil dog that is learning to be an angelic dog, and let's not forget my old dog that didn't even get in my way during all of this (she's mastered the angelic stuff) and a wonderful husband who didn't laugh.  

So, friends, count your blessings today, I hope this made you laugh. 


Jaimie said...

This made me laugh, all right! "Crappy" day-- HA! I know my mother has had days like this (minus the dogs, whew!) and I know I will have days like this. And I won't feel like laughing then. But I'll probably have to, because when you've got dog pee and baby poo and muddy carpets and an empty stomach...what else CAN you do but laugh? :D

You are an awesome mama. :)

Reagan Philips said...


You are so sweet. :) I'm glad you had a laugh.

Cathy Ayres said...

This story will alwys make me laugh! I agee with are an awesome mom.

Holly said...

Your mom referred me to this post after I read this scary article. Clearly parenthood is not always a picnic, but, as you said, a blessing.

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